Pregnancy Sucks!

Early on in my pregnant, I made the mistake of watching TLC's "A Baby Story". I say mistake because it made pregnancy and childbirth seem so beautiful and easy! There are rarely Mommies on there that are fat, miserable, feeling like shit, etc. They are all cute in their designer maternity clothes, well rested, and happy.

I was the exact opposite of that. I was swollen, miserable, fat, tired, sweaty, and bitchy. Here are a few things that happened to my body, mind and soul while pregnant.

You're probably wondering if I ever got happy or excited about being pregnant. The answer is yes. The first ultrasound we had revealed a blob in my uterus. The second ultrasound revealed a blob with a heartbeat. The third slightly resembled a baby. How can you hear your childs' heartbeat and not get excited? I still wasn't ready for this, wasn't ready to be a Mom, but it was pretty exciting.

The first trimester:
I was so tired. Sleep wasn't enough. I wanted to be in a coma for the next 9 months. I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I hated being awake. I was tired and my stomach usually hurt. This was a typical pre-dinner conversation around our house:

Me: "I'm STARVING"
Abel: "What do you feel like?"
Me: "I don't know"
Abel: "How can you be starving and not know what you want?"
Me: "I DON'T KNOW - I JUST KNOW MY STOMACH IS ABOUT TO EAT ITSELF, SO YOU'D BETTER GET ME SOME GOD-DAMN FOOD RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!"

You'd think the poor bastard would learn to just feed me, but this conversation, with slight variations would occur nightly. Until I discovered milkshakes and coke Icees. It was all I wanted for a long time!

As soon as I went to the Doctor for the first time, they gave me this bag with all sorts of pregnancy stuff. Totally freaked me out. It had formula samples and coupons for Sesame Street books. I felt like people were trying to push too much on me at once, trying to make me deny my true feelings on this, trying to fit me into a mold of a happy pregnant girl. I felt so much pressure that I started keeping my feeling to myself. A huge part of me resented this thing growing inside of me, making my boobs hard and huge like a porn start, taking away my inability for a solid night's sleep by making me pee every 30 minutes, making my stomach hurt almost constantly, and making me emotional. That was one of the worst. I never cried before I got knocked up. NEVER. Now, I would see a commercial for wart remover and I would cry for some stupid ass reason. I had no control over myself. The resentment towards my baby went away eventually and left behind feelings of guilt. That, I believe, is the beginning of my very personal relationship with Mommy guilt (much more on that later).

In this bag of tricks from the OB are several samples of pre-natal vitamins (who knew??). He told me to try out some different ones and let him know which one I liked and he would write me a prescription. Hold on - we're talking about vitamins, right? What is there to like or dislike? And a prescription? What for? It was all foreign to me. The mistake so many Dr.'s make these days is to assume that a pregnant lady had a desire to be that way, that they researched and they knew all the do's and don'ts. I had no clue. NONE. I kept drinking coffee, I kept drinking Dr. Pepper, eating lunch meat, etc. I pretty much think that's all bunk anyway.

So, on with the vitamins. I picked the one with the prettiest package, and started taking them. That's when the poop trouble started. All that iron really plugged me up. I think I was on like day three of no shitting, when I had a check up. My OB decided to to an ultrasound, just to check things out and said "Man, you're really plugged up, aren't you?". Apparently you could see my three days of no shitting on the ultrasound. I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to punch him. HA freaking HA. So, the Dr. gave me a list of things to take to unplug me. Mind you, he gave me several options - but didn't tell me to use them all at once. I was alos given a different type of vitamin, with less iron. So, I started taking taking htose the next day.

Unfortunately, unknown to me, a person can be allergic to vitamins. How on earth can you be allergic to vitamins? I don't know, but I found this out the hard way. The day I started taking the new vitamins, we had an awards ceremony for work. I was sitting in a fancy room, eating crapy fancy food, when my boobs strating itching. I casually (so I thought) started scratching them. The casual scratch didn't last long - soon I was really digging in. I took a peek at the girls and noticed that they were blotchy and very red. As soon as we got in the car to leave, I really let them have it. I went to town scratching them. When we got back to work, the rash had started moving to my arms. I decided I should go home. On my way home, I stopped at the grocery to get the necessary items to unplug myself, and get some Benadryl to relieve the itching. At this point, I had no idea it was a reaction to vitamins, I had just bought a new maternity shirt and I thought it was a reaction to the material. So, I'm in the grocery, arms loaded down with Prepheration H, Prune Juice, stool softner, Milk of Magnesia, Tucks Pads and Benadryl. I was waddling, but not showing yet (just looking like a cow) with red splotches all over my arms. There was no "poor pregnant girl" thoughts, it was more like "look at the constipated fat ass". I swear that old people were winking at me - I was now a member of there secret club. The cashier asked "is this gonna do it?" to which I replied, "it better", and promptly left.

I got home and, after doing some thinking, decided that I was THE most constipated person in history and just one of the items suggested by my Dr. wouldn't do the trick, so I downed some Prune Juice, Milk of Magnesia and took a couple stool softners, lay down and waited for it to hit.

And hit it did!!

All at once. I swear I gave birth out of my ass that night. I shit my brains out. Big time. It was awful.

Meanwhile, the rash was spreading like wildfire. I tried to take a shower, to see if that would help. No dice. I was miserable. My ass was aching, and I was itching everywhere. Abel suggested we go to the pharmacy and show them my rash, see what they could do. So, in I waddled, no bra, fat ass, splotchy rash all over my body, ass on fire, stomach churning. He recommended a lotion that worked like a dream. I wanted to go back and slip him some tounge!

That was the first of many "incidents" to come in my pregnancy. I was never the cute, happy, pregnant girl. I cried at the drop of a hat - and I'm not a pretty crier. I get all red, swollen and splotchy. I got dehydrated and ended up in the hospital on an IV. I had carpel tunnel (again, who knew??). I had heart burn like a mo-fo. My nose bled. My teeth bled. I had water weight so bad that when I would take my socks off, I would have an indention for hours afterwards - I had to buy bigger shoes with a W for wide, my other shoes wouldn't fit anymore. I was so fat, my maternity undies would roll down my belly when I put them on.My boobs got so big, I could hardly carry them around - when I took my bra off, they fell to either side of my belly like a curtain. I was either constipated or I had the runs. I had 'roids. I sweat like a man - I was sooo hot all the damn time - the AC was permanently set at 65 and if Abel dared to touch it, I would bite his damn head off.

Around 20 weeks, I got out of the shower and thought my water broke. I even got on the floor to smell it. It didn't smell like urine, so we rushed to the Dr. They did some tests and determined that I had pissed myself. Nice, huh? It's a good thing I went to the Dr. though, turns out I had some sort of infection that needed to be treated. I now had a mini plunger that I was supposed to shove up there with some goo every night. Umm, how is that supposed to work? I can't even see my business anymore, and I'm supposed to nagivate this? I don't think so. The unlucky job fell to Abel. I think this is when I realized that he did love me!

Then, around my 7th month, my body gave me another cute little surprise. I was at work when all the of the sudden I got an AWFUL pain in upper right belly. I was instantly in tears. I called my OB and they said to come in. They examined me, and determined that it wasn't pregnancy related. My OB said it was probably my gallbladder - and sent me to the ER for an ultrasound. Sure enough - my gallbladder had "sludge" in it, and there wasn't shit they could do. Had it happened a month before, they would have taken it out. But, since I was so far along, they wanted to "wait it out" and remove it after I had the baby. Apparently, gallbladder problems are fairly common in pregnancy (again, who knew??). I was on a steady stream of Vicodin the last weeks of my pregnancy. The pain was worse than labor. I swear.

So, due to the gallbladder, I threw up A LOT towards the end of my pregnancy. Did that make me lose weight? NOPE. I still gained. All told, I gained 50 pounds. 30 of which was water weight - I lost it before I left the hospital. I swear I peed it out. The other 20 is still on my ass. No joke.

We found out around 22 weeks that we were having a healthy girl. I cried. Knowing what was in my belly made it so much more real for me. I was having a little girl. Wow. Didn't make me ready, but it did make it reality.

Telling the parents........unwed and pregnant

My parents were the type that stressed no sex before marriage. They told me that sex should be shared with someone you love, not someone you like. At the time I lost my virginity, I thought it was love.............but I should have realized that someone that took it in the front seat of my car didn't "love" me back. Looking back, I can't regret that I didn't "save" myself, but there is a part of me that wishes Abel had been my first. How exciting to share something so incredibly special with someone you love and that loves you right back? No regrets though.

The call to my Mom took place the day after I found out. It was a Wednesday and I was at work. I had been crying on and off all day long. I was still in shock. I did have the presence of mind to call and schedule an appt for a "real" pregnancy test with my OB/Gyn. The OB never had shit to do with me in the past, and now I needed one. CRAP.

I tried to wait as long as I could, but honestly I was terrified of her reaction. I decided that the stress was going to kill me, if she wasn't, so I grabbed my cell phone and headed outside to make THE CALL. Her reaction was shock, then excitement. She was so ready to be a Grandma!! She didn't care that I wasn't married, she wanted and Grandbaby. I told her how nervous I was to tell Dad. She offered to do it for me, but I decided that it was something I had to do on my own. I was so terrified to let him down. My Dad and I have always been really close, what would this do to our relationship? Would he lose respect for me? Would he be angry? Only one way to find out.

I told him that something had happened, and he said "did you not pay your car payment?" - my parents had co-signed on my car, so he thought I screwed up his credit! I took a deep breath and told him I was pregnant.

Silence

Then, "okay" - and just like that, I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew that if things didn't work out for Abel and I, my parents were going to support me no matter what. I think that deep inside, I always knew it - but I think that the two lines reverted me back to being a child, needing my parents approval. Thinking about it, it's not really the two lines. I've always needed my parents support and approval and when the chips are down, they always give it.

I don't care who you are, when you hear someone is pregnant, and not married, you judge, even just a little. I still do it, I can't help myself. People would tell me it's no big deal, but it was to me. Abel broached the subject of marriage, but I shot it down. We hadn't been talking about marriage before I got knocked up, why would we now? That is one of the worst reasons on the planet to get married. I wasn't budging.

My parents are still together. Does anyone know how good it feels to say that? How proud I am of them? They don't have the "perfect" marriage (sorry, there is no such thing) - but they love eachother, respect eachother still. I wasn't settling for less than that. My Dad loves my Mom beyond all reason. I wasn't settling for less than that.

When you're 8 months pregnant, walking down the street, I swear every single old lady looks at your left hand, to see if your married. If there is no ring on the finger, you get a look of disdain. I felt shamed to be honest. I was knocked up. Unwed and pregnant. Why would he buy the cow, when he got the milk (and plenty of it) for free?

The Beginning

The story of us refers to my family. For now it's me, my husband Abel and our daughter, Poopylatta (not her real name).

I decided that the beginning of our story is the day I found out I was pregnant. I wish I could tell you the angels sang, birds chirped and my world was complete. Unfortunately, that's not how it was. There were a lot of tears, fear, confusion and even anger.

Abel and I had been "seeing" each other about a year and a half. I use the term loosely. We were pretty much good friends who slept together with no commitment. Before I let everyone think I'm a big slut, he was the only one I was with, and I was the only one he was with. What it boils down to, is neither one of us wanted to openly commit. How ridiculous is that? Anyway, my period was a few days late, but I wasn't freaking. I was on the pill. I figured it was stress - plenty of that going around. I had cramps anyway, so that meant AF would be visiting shortly, right?

WRONG

I was laying on my couch, watching TV, scarfing down McDonalds and I got the crazy idea to take a pregnancy test. Of course I had one on hand, as every smart, sexually active girl does. I got up off the couch, peed on a stick and went back to my TV program. A couple minutes later, I got up and checked the test.

Two lines...............holy shit.

My world crumbled.

I promised myself I would be completely honest in this blog, hold nothing back. So, here goes.

I never wanted to be a Mom. Some girls grow up dreaming of their wedding, being a Mommy. Not me. I never had pretend weddings with pillow cases representing a veil. I don't think I was into baby dolls. I was convinced as a child that I was never going to make it to 16. I'm an extremely selfish person, but I'm big enough that I can recognize that in myself and made the decision not to bring a child into this world. I didn't need someone depending on me for everything - I could hardly manage to take care of myself. Now, here I was holding a stick with two little lines that meant everything, from this moment on was going to be different.

Enter the tears......................

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do. I picked up the phone, called my friend Jaime. I called her first because, in my eyes, she's a MOTHER. She is what a Mom should be. She thinks her kids are great, absolutely loves being a Mommy (most days!). I cried on the phone with her for a while. Being the fantastic friend that she is, she reassured me that everything was going to be okay. Didn't help, but she tried. At this point, I called Abel. I couldn't even say the words. My mind hadn't absorbed it yet and saying it out loud would probably make it real. I wasn't ready for it to be real yet. I just kept saying over and over "you're going to hate me". He put two and two together, smart guy that he is and told me he was coming right over. I then called my sister - she's my rock. She was so incredibly excited for me. Yes, excited. At this point, happiness hadn't entered into the picture. I hadn't put my hand on my belly in wonder of the life that was growing in me - in truth, the actual child hadn't entered my mind. I was more concerned about me (told ya I was selfish).

Have you ever noticed that women who plan on getting pregnant one day, even if it's not soon, have pregnancy or baby books just laying around their house? My sister whipped out "What to Expect When You're Expecting" - yep, she had it on hand and started reading things from the book to me. She was telling me what was going on in my body, and it completely freaked me out. BIG TIME. She was tossing out words like mucous, dilation, discharge, etc. I wasn't ready to hear all that. Then she said, "you need to quit smoking". SHIT. I didn't want to quit. I like smoking. See, this damn kid was making me give up stuff already. She then said the words that will forever remain in my guilt vault, "aren't you happy?". The truth was - no, I wasn't happy. I didn't want to be a Mom. I didn't want this baby. I think I went into shock and told her I would call her later.

Abortion never factored into my mind. I am Pro-Choice, but it's not the right choice for me.

Abel showed up at this point and reassured me that everything was going to be okay. We would do this together, and he actually told me he was excited. Excited? Are you on crack? Of course you're excited - you got laid and now I have to do all the damn work. I have to quit smoking, eat healthy, CREATE a child inside of my body.

He told me that he wanted me to move into his house, that we should be together, see how things went. I agreed and moved in about a month later.