On: Liking your kids

I've heard whispers around that some people don't always like their kids.

For shame!

Only I mean for shame that it's only whispers. It shouldn't be one of those "unspoken" emotions. It should be talked about. Because you know what? It's normal. I'd bet everything I have that every.single.mom has not liked their spawn at one point or another.

Is there anyone in your life you like ALL THE TIME??

No matter how much I love the people in my life, I don't always like them. My kids included. They are people too. With their own personalities, attitudes and ideas. You're not always going to mesh with them. That doesn't negate the love you have for them. In fact, admitting this will probably lift the guilt and enhance your relationship. Trust me, they aren't always going to like you.

We, as mothers, need to STOP being so hard on ourselves. Seriously. Yes, this is all very important, but stop spazzing, beating yourself up, drowning in guilt and all the rest. Perfection is over rated.

5 things I hate about......

Being a mom. Because let's be honest, it's not all sunshine and roses.

1. No time alone. This is a big one for me. I'm a loner - I love my own company. Even when they are away, they are with you - in your heart. Hardly a moment goes by that you don't think of them/wonder how they are/what they are doing. Once you're a mother, you're never truly alone again.

2. No more potty privacy. The other day, I found myself trying to conduct private business with two kids and a dog as an audience. Not so much fun.

3. Always having to share. I'm sooo selfish. Nothing is mine anymore - not so crazy about it *pout*.

4. The mess. This house is like a daycare - toys, clothes, shoes, everything, everywhere, always. I don't know who can keep up with this.

5. The emotions. Don't get me wrong, the positive emotions are worth more than words can say. But, there are negative emotions - like worry, guilt and doubt. Raising kids is such a huge job it's natural to agonize over your decisions, worry constantly and let mommy-guilt reign. It's a tough balancing act, because to let the negative emotions take over would be a big no-no.

If you're honest with yourself, and can admit there are things about mommyhood that really blow, you're that much better off. Once you've realized this, thought it out and accepted it, you can move on and be the best mommy you can be!

Who I am.........

I've never pretended to be someone I'm not. I've never claimed to be perfect - in fact I post often about my flaws. They make me who I am. I'm always honest and refuse to play into the mommy wars. I don't ever try to be better than anyone else. I just try to be the best me. Some people may not like me, and I'm OK with that. I'll never change to please others.

So, who am I? I'm a (in no particular order):

Mom
Wife
Woman
Friend
Lover (not as often as I should be!)
Daughter
Sister
Writer
Moderator
Forum Owner
New Business Owner

With each of these roles come responsibility, work, passion, time, lots of effort and lots of joy. I do my best to do justice to each role, though at times I know I fail.

Finding Balance

It can be hard. I'm just starting a brand new business, and finding that balance between being a wife, mom, woman, friend, and now business owner has been a struggle.

I've been sinking so many hours into Sassy Style - trying to get it just the way I've pictured it, get samples up, get our name out there, advertise, and think of fun new products, it's been draining me! The past few nights I've been up until midnight (at the earliest!) working, so that my work doesn't interfere with family time. But, even staying up late to work, it still does. I'm tired. I'm more short tempered. I'm on edge about this. I'm probably driving my friends bonkers asking for their input - but this is soooo important to me. I don't just want to be good at this, I want to be great.

So, what has to give? My life was pretty packed before, now it's almost unmanageable. I've been skipping meals to try to make time for this, losing sleep, neglecting my friends, worrying and taking my laptop to bed! So what's giving right now is ME. I know it won't be like this forever, and once we get a solid customer base things will fall into a good routine. In the mean time I guess I'll just be exhausted!

My less than stellar

Mommy moments.

"Please don't punch your sister until she kicks you"

"If you would stop jerking off, you wouldn't spill on yourself"

"You're dancing like a stripper - stop!"

"Please pull your dress down, no one wants to see your junk"

"Sit on your butt and eat, or else I'll steal your ice cream and eat it myself"

"Stop being such a weenie!"

"You're going to break you damn head open if you don't stop it"

*sigh*

I really suck sometimes. I'm only human, right?

3 is the new 2

Terrible twos are a joke when you have a three year old. I know I've bitched about it before, but here I go again.

I think three's are worse because the little shits get smarter. They figure out exactly which buttons to push, and are very, very clever.

We're in the "why" phase - so.freakin.annoying. Seriously. I've not loathed a word so much since she learned to say mama (yes, mama is endearing in the beginning, but only the beginning). Everything I say is met with why - and every answer to why is met with another why and so on. I've resorted to the dreaded "because I said so" - and I figured out why mom's across the world use it - because it shuts them up for 5 freakin minutes. Yes, I'm "that" mom. Whatever.

I also get "but I want it", "it will make me happy", or "but mama" - said in the whiniest voice EVEA. Three is also when their independent streak is really out in full force. It takes forever to get dressed because "I do it myself". It's a huge struggle for me to sit and watch when I *know* I could do it much faster. The control freak in me is really at odds with the mom in me.

I'm now realizing just how hard it is to be a strong, stubborn, single minded mom. You have to overcome soooo much. I'm not even close to being the type of mom I long to be. I'm a work in progress - that likely will never be complete.

Raising a Toddler

Let me be the first to clue all your first time moms of babies the hell that toddlerhood is. It's not the "terrible twos". It's the terrible 15 month - 4 years.

When your baby is born, you anxiously await the next milestone. You can't wait for baby to roll over, crawl, sit up, etc. One of the most anticipated milestones is talking. You hear all these adorable stories from your friends about the cute things their toddler is saying. What most are leaving out is the fact that within a few months of them learning to talk, they want them to STOP.

Granted, they do say funny/cute/sweet things. But, the in-between is hell.

Here are some rules they all apparently live by:
Everything must be repeated at least 5 times. Otherwise, mom or dad might not hear/understand you.
If mom or dad says no, whine. Tears help here, too.
Mine, no, why - words to live by.
When driving in a car, yell out the word for everything you recognize. Loud, or they might not hear.
Point out your ouchies multiple times a day.
Announce to the whole world that you have to pee.
While we want mom and dad to listen to us, reciprocation is not necessary.
Picking up 3 toys out of 50 means it's clean.
Sharing is for wussies!
Whatever mom and dad have on their plate is much better than the crap they serve us. Who cares that it looks the same???
If you need more of something, don't ask mom or dad when they are already up, make sure you wait until they sit back down. Furthermore, if you need 2 things, ask for one at a time (again, waiting until they sit down)
Dinner time = Poop time
Talk back - they love it! If they say no, it's because they didn't understand just how serious you were. Show them - throw in some tears.
Destroy things they hold dear, or that are expensive.
Wreck their house! Color on the walls, scratch the floors - it's not like they can make you get a job!
Refuse to say things like, please and thank you. But, make sure to remind them of their manners should they forget.
Beg for chicken nuggets, and if you get them, don't eat them. For even more fun, beg to eat about an hour later - but change it up - you want mac and cheese this time!
Be unreasonable - always.
Insist everything in the house is MINE.
Cry when they change the channel - even if you haven't watched the TV in hours.

So, for you first time moms, be warned. And, be afraid.

Do you ever feel?

Since you've become a mom, that you just can't breathe?

I do.

Like I'm so over-burdened with things that the air is just sucked out of me. That the word mommy deflates my lungs.

And then there are times that I can't breathe, because my children simply take my breath away. Their perfection, innocence, beauty can bring me to my knees.

So much of me has changed since I've become a parent. Priorities have shifted, I'm less selfish, I love more, I'm more patient, more tired, more everything.

But, not all of it is good, or healthy.

The biggest challenge I'm faced with is finding balance. Finding time to be me, and Abel's wife. It's a constant learning process, and I'm not doing very well with it right now. The moments of breathlessness tend to be more stifling right now than not.

I'm struggling to be me again. Hopefully I'll find Jen soon.

Why it's worth it

This mommy crap.

My post about earlier this week was pretty much a precursor for the rest of my week. It's been rough.

And then.......

You get a moment. A moment that makes all the other bullshit worth it.

I got that moment a while ago.

Snuggled up on the couch with both my girls, Nana turned to me and said, "mama, you my best friend".

Sigh. This is why I'd do this again, in a heartbeat.

Maternal Instincts?

I think that it's assumed that if you're a woman, you come equipped with amazing maternal instincts.

I am the living proof that this is not true.

I wasn't "born" to be a mommy. I have to work at it, every day. I think all Mom's work at it, but for me I think it's different. I am not very maternal at all.

I started wondering where I was when God was passing out these precious instincts. I think I was in line for boobs and a fantastic wit. The wit helps, the boobs.........not as much. Well, you could say they helped me "become" a mom **wink**.

I never gazed at my sleeping child, in wonder of her. I never marveled at the miracle that she is. I think she's pretty cool, I love her.............but I don't get the feeling that this is what I was put on this earth for. If that makes sense at all. Some women grow up wanting to be a Mom. I'm not one of them. It's the hardest adjustment I've ever had to make, and I don't think I'm there completely. No one said this was going to be easy, but no one warns you it's so hard. I keep checking Poopy's ass crack for her warning label. It's not there!