Ramblings

I'm so worn out from my dear two year old. I love her to bits, but she's such a trial.

She's demanding, impatient, whiny and emotional. I feel like the shittest mom EVER because I must be doing something wrong.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm too much of a perfectionist to be a good, effective mother. I need things to be "just so" and having children makes that impossible.

Example: I'm too uptight to let Arianna help decorate the Christmas tree. The ornaments have a "place" and I have a "design" in my head. It can't be any other way. So, I made her sit there and not "help". That's pretty shitty.

I've tried to relax, but it ain't happening. I can't stand when her face is dirty, or she has something on her shirt. I hate when her hair is messed up. I hate when the house is littered with toys. I so wish I could just go with the flow, but it goes against ME.

I also think it's nearly impossible as a mother of two (or more) to retain your sense of self. Somewhere amid the dirty diapers, 3 AM feedings, runny noses and new teeth I've lost Jen. I swore it would never, ever happen and yet here I am. I'm mom. And I think that's it for now. I miss me. I used to be a lot more fun, romantic, carefree, and happy. My life is filled with Dora, Cinderella, etc. There is never any time to just be. I'd love to get me back, but I don't even know where to start. A few hours alone doesn't come close to doing it. I don't know what the right answer is. Do you sacrifice yourself for a few years, then attempt to find the new you? HOW do you even do that? Especially as a SAHM. Perhaps if I had a job, it would be easier. But, raising my kids is my job right now, a job I'm not going to give up anytime soon. I love and hate it equally.